One woman's life, loves, adventures in Bananaland

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Teaching English — brave new world!

Could I be moving on to a new path for real? I started volunteer with my county’s ESL program in September sand love it. Teaching motivated adults. Working with language and language learning. Working on my community. Wow.

About a month ago I looked into TESOL certificate programs. Just to see. And found a program through out local community college. 14 day-long workshops. You can take them all in one semester and it was affordable. I took the leap! Last week I registered and ordered my book. School in the 21st century. Waaaaay different.

I’m using part of the money from my mother’s estate. Sad money is how I think of it. But I know this is a way my mother would want me to be using it.

Does this mean I am on another real path? Is this going to be my new life?? Seems cray after all this craziness and sadness and confusion. And I just found out that I am getting SSDI. You know, because they put money in my checking account. Not because I got a letter or anything. Good lord the SSA is stupid!

So, off we go! And yet I ask: when will the crash come?


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New stage/Old stage/A Stage Leaving in 10 mins?

Meanwhile back at the ranch! Good days and bad and terrible and ok. This is all a freakin’ roller coaster and I have never liked those things. They make me barf.

Since last we met my sisters and I got together and spread my mother’s ashes at the beach and waded thru boxes and boxes of papers. And I came home and my head exploded. Wow. Can you say down the rabbit hole?? Seeing a lot of the pdoc in the month since. More meds. Magic brain stimulation machine.

Here she is:


Trying to get some control. Get back to volunteering. Weekly volunteer in my county ESL program and folks, we may have a new plan! My local community college has a certificate for teachers of ESL. Day-long Saturday seminars for a semester and then . . . I live teaching so much, love languages so much. We’ll see!

In food news I’m trying to take responsibility for what I eat (everything I eat has to have protein in it) at least start to. Blood work showed my a1c up and that SCARES me!

In all things I am trying not to set myself up by thinking I have to be perfect. Ugh!

Onward, yeah?

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Love and loss and WLS

Wow. Can this keep happening? On Sunday I found out that the fabulous Brian Wallace, FNP, director of the Center for Weght Loss Surgery at Sibley Hospital in Washington, DC, died last week at the age of 50. WTF?!?! This man changed my life, made me laugh, got me up and walking when i didn’t want to after the surgery, cheered me on, flirted with me, and got me though the process of changing my life! Brian waa part of my family. My family of choice is what it’s called. I truly loved this man. There is a huge hole in my heart. I am going next week for a 12-week follow-up as always and he won’t be there. In an office with a staff of 3 (Brian, Carilyn the surgery manager, and Brian Long the surgeon) the idea of it exsiting without him is incomprehensible.

I don’t understand life, that is for sure. I think I’ve gotten thru enough this past year. Just my mother would be enough horribleness. this is beyond the beyond,

I should celebrate Brian by eating healthy, healthy, protein, no crap. So this morning I had 2 handfuls of chocolate-covered blueberris and some pita chips for breakfast. Dinner was a left over chicken patty from Wendy’s. At least I didn’t drink for half and hour! LOL!!!!!

And that’s all, she wrote. Stop knocking me over, world. I’m tired of getting up.

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loss and love and lovely lake champlain

and back i come from two weeks on a vacation from crazytown. realized that i really did need a vacation from life in the nuts lane.

so away to the family “compound” (so weird but how else to describe a bunch of houses filled with cousins??) in vermont. lots of cousins, lots of memories of lots of trips to the house as a kid. and remembering my mom and how much she loved it there and suddenly had it torn away when my parents split. happy/sad place. she was there in every corner this time. and memories of missing her when i was a little girl and we were there. Yes, after 45 years. divorce, the gift that never really stops giving.

until i have a chance to bring some of her ashes (and how is it that i can even type that sentennce?) i spread some little flowers in the lake from our beach. i miss her so much. keep wanting to call her to tell her things. but no. Four months on Saturday.

too melancholy? too forgetting sometimes when i laugh? how does this work?

stay tuned!


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Going on vacation when your life is kind of like a vacation??

Well, we’re getting ready to go off on vacation.  And for the first time in 9 years I’m not stressing about getting work done by the end of the day Friday.  Because my every day is sort of a vacation day.  Sort of.  Not sure what to call this stage.  Is it good because it is giving me time to start healing from my mom?  Is it good that I have the space to recover from the work trauama?  Is it all bullshit and I’m the laziest person on earth?  I mean.  I have no answers that make sense.  And what in the world am I going to do when I try to find another job?  How will I find ANYTHING.  I don’t feel old but I guess I am.  Just don’t know.  And in the meantime I’m applying for Long Term Disability and SSDI.  Do I deserve them?  I miss people so much and just don’t get why no one is still connected to me.  After all this time.  And I realized that everyone working there right now, besides the boys, was trained and supervised by me.  And yet here I am.

So, the good side.  I feel calm, I am getting things done, and I am getting a chance to heal.  I just have to start trusting myself.  Wow!  That’s a hard one.  Don’t know if it’s the old depression thinking or some other stupid thing, but I really don’t trust myself.  Gawd.  Terms for murder-by-therapist!!!!!  How does out psychological state or diagnosis or feeling about that state of “diagnosis” affect or change us?

Great thoughts sent out into the ether.  Time for a “healthy dinner”.  A topic for another time!

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Awaaaay we go!

Again, again.  A week of crazy wrapped up in wacko.  So triggered about mom, food, job, loss.  Still maintaining after 3 years post WLS/VSG.  Bad eating habits —> ED group.  Joining a new one next week.  Not sure I have it in me to “abstain” from comforting myself with food.  But I know I’m lucky to have kept 105 lbs off this long without making the requisite monastic changes.  Still, worry about food all the time.

Lots of anxiety this week.  Where to go with my life now?  Literally going, to Vermont on vacation on 6/29,  I’m going to treat it like a vacation too, as different from my “vacation” since February.  Finally letting go of NAMI.  Don’t know how to have a life now.  How does a job turn into your life.  Have lost connections to friends, real friends.  So scared about trying to reconnect!

Will natter on here awhile and see what comes out!  Film at 11:00!  Hugs to all my MANY readers!

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Starting again!

Well, hello there world. This is real life!

Weight loss surgery January 10, 2011 and so that’s my new birthday or surgiversary. Had vertical sleeve gastrectomy (VSG) and have lost 110 lbs.

Steady job, 34 year relationship with the woman I love, crazy family? Check.

Flash forward to February 2014. Left job because I was bullied into a relapse of PTSD by the head of my department. “Choose” not to go back so I don’t get sick again. And then, out of the blue my mother dies on March 19th. Oh. Did I mention that March 15 is the anniversary of my being raped at 25? Yeah.

So much shit, so little time. So much pain and so much uncertainty. Here I am. My wise friend Lynne, not given to platitudes, says I have already met the person who will help me find my way.

Real life? This banana isn’t liking it too much!! More as it develops!